When was the last time you asked yourself what you really want?
We are a society of people pleasers and caregivers. Women especially tend to fall into this trap – we are used to putting everyone’s needs before our own. It’s practically part of the job description.
We rarely ask ourselves what we want, so it can be a shocker when we do. It’s liable to stop you in your tracks.
That’s what happened to me this morning. I found myself walking in circles, burdened by all the To Do’s and Expectations. Shoulding all over myself. And a question came into my mind so clear it sounded like it was spoken outloud:
What do you want?
I paused momentarily in my hamster-like activity and thought about it. The answer? I have no idea.
But I knew Celeste was the key to figuring it out. She always is.
Two Wheels for Clarity
I have this amazing scooter. Her name is Celeste and I’ve obsessed over her every detail – from the sparkly tassels on the hand grips to the silver star-shaped hubcabs. Her two-tone paint job is metallic mermaid green and cream, the color of surf and seafoam.
I love her because she inspires me – she’s feminine, glossy and sleek on the outside, but when you start her up, she growls like a ticked off lion. She rumbles and purrs and makes no apologies for her awesome power.
The sun was out full force today, surrounded by that impossible two-dimensional blue that looks like it was cut from silk and hung in the sky. So I fueled up Celeste and headed down to Lake Washington Blvd.
This is the route you drive people when you want them to move to Seattle. A winding, signal-free stretch of good pavement along the blue waters, shielded by enormous pine trees, riding under a canopy of green. Jaw-dropping views of Mt. Baker and Mt. Rainier. The cool water breeze on your arms, salty air on your tongue. Instant bliss.
I opened Celeste up and we rumbled along, glittering in the sun. Nothing to distract me from my thoughts — just mile after mile of green and blue, leaves and water, the growl of her engine beneath me.
Pop the Question
That one question tumbled about in my head as I rode. I asked myself over and over, emphasizing a different word each time: What do you want? What do you want?
Each emphasis brought up a different list, a different reaction. What do I want for myself that is different from what other people want for me? What do I want that is not necessarily what I need? What do I want – as opposed to how I want it (which is desperately, endlessly)?
My thoughts felt like those muddled barnacle-like stones dropped into a tumbler and tossed about until they become shining, polished gems. When I sat down before my open journal, the thoughts poured out. All the wants. So many wants.
The amazing part? They’re all within reach.
Take some time when you won’t be disturbed and think about the question. Ruminate. Daydream. What do you really want? In your relationship, job, life in general?
You may find, like me, that a few hours of open air are required to help you shake lose the stirrings in your soul.